why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
