Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
