My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
