I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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