My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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