i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
