ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
