John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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