i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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