i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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