she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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