you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
