Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
