my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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