OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
