He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
