When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
