i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
