there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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