Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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