You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
