You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So much Jack, so little girl.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize