i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
