if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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