i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
