there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
