Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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