I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
