So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?