Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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