How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
sick fucks of a feather flock together
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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