Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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