I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
