1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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