My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
