How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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