at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.