do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
