I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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