Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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