Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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