I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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