So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
