Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I came so hard my ears popped.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
