ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"