I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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