How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.