weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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