Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
