I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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