Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
