I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
