My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
