Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
