We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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