I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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