I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
