He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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